We always thank God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, when we pray for you, because we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and of the love you have for all the saints--the faith and love that spring from the hope that is stored up for you in heaven and that you have already heard about in the word of truth, the gospel that has come to you. All over the world this gospel is bearing fruit and growing, just as it has been doing among you since the day you heard it and understood God's grace in all its truth. Colossians 1:3-6
One way to look at the world of relationships is to see it as a journey in a big, dark, and foreboding jungle, with many paths we could undertake, each plotted with all kinds of options, potential traps, and dangers. As we venture into this jungle, we come face to face with our fears, doubts, and our conflicts with all kinds of opportunities and ideas. Coupled with these fears and discords, we may collide with others who are seeking the same path. When we are faced with so many paths and choices, we can become frustrated, and be led into the possibility of making wrong decisions. This, in turn, can become a string of lost and broken friendships that further direct our lives toward conflict and strife. Or, perhaps we find the right path, by chance, leading to a life of contentment, harmony, and love. Do we step back or do we proceed? If we stay off the path, we end up in loneliness and despair. If we take our chances, we can become lost and hurt. So, what do we do? We need to be willing to choose a direction, and move ahead on that path. Then, the questions become, what is that direction? How can I find it? We may ask, and even plead, what do I do? Where do I go? With whom do I desire to share my life? Is there a Divine plan for me? Do I need to prepare myself first, or can we just dive right in according to our own whims? Or, Do I seek God’s precepts, so I can take the path with more confidence?
It is the goal of this book to help you in your journey through this dark jungle, to seek God’s plan and the right approach to take. We will look at what God’s Word has to say--His timeless, tested, and righteous path on which we can walk. We can go into that dark jungle armed with the Light of His Word so we can take risks, and make right decisions; we can find and form friendships that work! After all, the meaning of the Christian life is relationships--first with God, and then with the others around us. That is why we are on this earth. This is the only experience we take with us into eternity. When we are walking on His path, with His Light, we will experience the wonder and excitement of life. Let us be willing to look up and experience His Wonder!
I have been placed in a “catbird seat” for observing relationships from being in pastoral ministry for over twenty years and as many years of counseling. These observations, along with my education, and fueled by my own personal relationship journey (with all the mistakes I have made), have given me a plate full of observations concerning what works and what does not. And, what I have found, believe it or not, is that few Christians ever seek God or His help in their relationship choices; they just dive right into a pool that usually has no water in it. Choosing the right path through that jungle of dark apprehensions will be the most important decision we ever make, because this is what will echo into eternity. Relationship choices are far more important than our other daily decisions, including what school to attend or what career to undertake. Yet, few take this seriously.
When we venture into the shadowy jungle, getting ourselves entangled in the vines and thorn bushes of relationships, the options confronting us will cause us either to embrace others with eagerness, or become fearful and alone. One path may make us content, the other, bitter. These trepidations are a natural defense mechanism warning us away from dangerous situations. Added to these natural fears are all the various attitudes of our culture and the desires of our will, all diverging with one another, causing chaos and conflict. Meanwhile, Christ is seeking us, beckoning us to follow Him out of that deep, dark, dangerous jungle on to a path of solid, lasting relationships, where the vines become arms of love and the rose bushes lose their thorns. In this way, we can develop close friendships, date successfully, understand and give real authentic love, find the right spouse, and even develop a healthy marriage.
Relationships are important. Yes, there are other activities and goals that preoccupy us in life, such as our jobs, cars, hobbies, money, and having fun. However, consider these thoughts: When you are at the end of your sojourn on this earth, what will you have received from it? What will you take with you? Will it be that successful career? What about that hobby that took all of your time? Would it be the wealth that you accumulated? I am not saying these things are not important to pursue; rather, they are just a few of the various means to do what really is important, and that is, building relationships! Career, material accumulation, activities, money, and having fun are not the goals in life; they are only portions of the means to the goal. The reason for, and meaning of life is, again, relationships--with God and then with others!
Relationships include a variety of options and challenges. We can easily see many choices, yet we have so little time to investigate them. So many ways, opportunities, and ideas to go about it, but in our heart we know there is only one real Truth. How can one navigate this strange land? How can we find God’s real purpose and plan? How can we turn our wrong choices into good ones? Can we learn how to build quality relationships, even if we have never experienced one? Does He have only one, precise person chosen to be my spouse? If so, how do I find that one? How can I develop a genuine best friend relationship that will last? How can I make my marriage work?
My purpose in writing this book is to point you in the right direction, and provide for you solid, biblical insights from my more than twenty years of pastoral counseling and biblical investigations into this subject. It is my prayer and plan to give you a general overview of relationships, from the Bible’s timeless perspective, to equip you for your journey. This is not a work based on the latest trends in psychology; rather, it is based on the understanding of the underlining spiritual principles that we all need to know and follow. Field Guide is meant to show you the right path to take you through the jungle of what all of us are to do and to be. Consequently, you can learn and gain the fullness of His empowerment and wisdom from God’s Word in order to improve in all of your relationships and to glorify our Lord.
I did not just wake up one day, free from that jungle. I, too, had to struggle to keep myself from getting lost, and in trying to find my way out of ruthless situations. I had to overcome my fears from intense teasing as a child, overcome learning disabilities, dyslexia, ADHD, and a seriously embarrassing speech impediment that caused me to be the butt of many jokes while growing up. I am not even a natural extrovert; I prefer to study and be alone. At parties, at school, and social gatherings as an adult, I tended to be the “wall flower,” a fish out of water, standing by the food, so it would seem I was a part of it and not out of it, which I was. Yet, God called me into relationships, and as a pastor, I cannot avoid them. So, I had to learn to reverse myself, to grow away from my natural tendencies to be alone. I was engaged once, and realized, after a lot of agony and pain, that this would be a wrong direction for me to go. I have spent so much time in my pastoral career and education that I have had, at times, few, and sometimes no relationships of any quality or depth. It is my intention to help you find the right path so you can discover and build healthy, quality relationships that are centered upon Christ as Lord. We will begin by looking at how to prepare ourselves with the right mindset, knowing what real love is, and learning about attitude and character so we can be prepared to bring about and build relationships that will last, as well as developing a good personality.
When we have prepared ourselves to better know ourselves and what God has to say to us, we can start to find and build relationships that work. We can start to see life as a pleasurable and exciting adventure, not a gloomy journey to endure, hoping something better comes along one day. When we find people with whom we can bond, we can start to see His abode of love and contentment emerging in our lives. Yes, we will have ups and downs, but the main anchor in our lives will be our solid, growing relationship with Christ, and His transforming presence imploring us to empower others.
Once we learn how to get ourselves on the right path, we will discover helpful tips and biblical ideas on how to form and build healthy, quality relationships. We can even learn how to find the love of a lifetime and be able to keep it. We will realize we have His best available to us. We will have real, authentic relationships that are centered upon Him because our lives and mindset have been aligned to His. This happens because we have yielded to Christ as Lord of our lives all of the time, so that we can see His path through the jungle and receive His best. We will sometimes make the wrong choices and get lost ourselves. However, if we are willing to seek His help, Christ will help us through it, and work our wrong choices for good.
Some stay put in that land of choices because it is fun, it is a party, and they enjoy it. Others feel that if you do that, you will put yourself in danger, which may lead into bad relationships. So, what do we do? How do we proceed?
What we need is a Tour Guide, to lead us through our journey in those jungles of confusing options and rough waters of wrong choices, so we can avoid the dangerous paths and not find ourselves living in the jungle of despair. Maybe, you wish and pray for some kind of how to guide that will cut through that jungle of despair and give you God’s precepts. Perhaps, you want a guide that is not rooted in some counselor’s experiences and theories, but in timeless, biblical values that are tried and true and real for you. You are holding it in your hand. It will show you how God’s Word is a sword--a machete--that will cut that path for you.
This book is about seeking, from God’s most precious Word, the right way to proceed into that jungle of developing friendships and dating choices. We will help prepare you to come through life not only with the right decision and the love of your life, but with the tools, character, and ability to make godly, Christ-centered relationships work, filled with God’s blessings and purpose! This book is not just for singles! Many married people have found the precursor articles to this book very helpful in giving their marriage the boost it needs, and in developing romance. Even if you have done it all wrong, so to speak, God can and will turn your mistakes around when your attention becomes focused upon Christ and His precepts from His Word.
I urge you to seek God’s will by recognizing God’s love for you. In that way, you will be able to apply biblical principles to help you decide what is right or wrong in relationships and to find the love of your life. Additionally, if you are already married, you can use the principles of His Word to spruce up your marriage with a romantic makeover through self-discovery and character in action. You can take a look at what you have done wrong, and then correct it by removing your false thinking and behaviors.
The goal of this book is not to give you a set of rules to either "do" or "don't." Rules are not what this book is about; it is about finding God’s best for you. Rules are just rules, and our determination and sinful nature tend to fight against, break, and reject them. Therefore, this will give you scriptural principles and reasons so you can think them through, examine them for yourself, and come to a better understanding of friendship, love, fellowship, sex, singleness, dating, and how to build Christ-like relationships that will last a lifetime.
We will be looking at qualities we should seek in a soul mate. What should we avoid? How do we find that love that will last a lifetime? Is finding the right mate a matter of just being lucky, or being in the right place at the right time? Is it possible that someone else stole him or her from you? Does God really care, and does He have that special someone for you? How do you find out?
We will discover that the current dating model most people use, from pre- teens to older adults, is ineffective at best and dangerous at worst. Our dating traditions result in a 50%+ divorce rate, which is the same in the church as it is in secular society (statistics are consistent from the United States Census Bureau, Barna Research, and Focus on the Family). This means people who attend a religious institution and who claim to be Christians have the same divorce rate as people who do not go to a church or as people who hang out in bars, showing their contempt for God. This translates that Christians have a problem with building and maintaining relationships. And, the relationships that do tend to last have major problems. Just ask any counseling pastor or Christian marriage counselor and they will say that a significant amount of the marriages that stay together are mostly miserable and dysfunctional. Something is definitely wrong.
What should we do? What do we need to consider and to avoid? For this quest, let us venture into God’s most precious Word, and examine the Scriptures carefully to find His will. (In the back of this book is a section in the Appendix called “Scripture References” for each chapter and section.) For deeper insights and self-study, look up the Scriptures, read them, and ask: What does this mean? How can I be changed because of these precepts? How will it affect my life if I do? Then, do it! The Bible holds the truth for life today, including how and with whom you should be building that life. If you feel that the Bible is not the paradigm for your faith and practice or your standard for relationships, then you will find yourself disappointed and hurt in life. The perspective we are to have is a desire for what God wants, not what we want. Our focus is to be on Him because He has the best plan for us! Our plans will only lead us to make the wrong decisions and miss out on the best opportunities and situations He has for us.
I understand that what I am writing may not sit well with some people, because it goes against some of our popular notions and experiences. However, regardless of how we may feel about something, if you claim Christ as your Lord, you must always seek to follow God's model. In addition, you need to do this simply because it will be the best, most effective, and most fulfilling way--period! This book’s purpose is not to burst your bubble or to cause you to end your current relationship; it is to challenge you to step back, seek His Word, and do what is His best-for you as well as the person or people you are presently with, or will be with. In so doing, you will be in the right relationships, and will experience the ultimate joys and opportunities in life-His best for you!
The first thing we must see is that God does care, and has a plan for you, even when you cannot see it. So, be willing to learn and develop your character. Study the Word, seek wisdom, be prudent, and lean on the strength of the Lord! These things do not come to you by chance; they come by knowing and following Christ (Proverbs 12:4; 28:20; 31:10)!
So, I challenge you to search the Scriptures and see what is contained in this book. This book is not a collection of trendy opinions or distillations from popular psychology; rather, the focus is on timeless values that last and that work. If you are still not sure about what we are talking about, especially about courting versus dating, and what the Bible has to say, then read some other sources. You will find some good suggestions in our Scripture References and Bibliography sections at the end.
Consider this: without the right attitude and perspective on life, without glorifying God and following His will, you will not find the real, quality love relationship for your life! You will be taking a big gamble that you might miss what is priceless and precious.
May the Lord richly bless and keep you in His loving arms, and bless your search to find the relationship God has for you--even for the love of your life!
Rev. Richard Joseph Krejcir M.Div., Ph.D.
The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace. Numbers 6:24-26
